Our society is very divided. But this week, one of the internet’s mediums united the world into action. Two photographs were published to the internet; two remarkable photographs that instantly united the whole world in action.
Given that it will be directed by Greta Gerwig and written by Noah Baumbach, there is no doubt that they will have a similar tone to their movie. Margot Robbie’s character is instantly Barbie-esque with blond hair, smiles and a bright pink car, just like her character in Martin Scorsese’s Sharon Tate.
Ken, Barbie’s boyfriend-to-be, will be played by Ryan Gosling. His platinum blond hair was bleached peroxide in The Place Beyond the Pines. His arms and abs are also on display in Crazy, Stupid Love. He still has the same blankly impenetrable facial expression as he had in most of Blade Runner.
The character wears a lot of denim throughout the movie, making it hard to forget who he is.
With this casting, it is possible that the movie will have to be rethought. Until now, the instinct has largely been to either drown everyone in an incoherent CGI sludge (Transformers) or just cast the nearest A-lister regardless of their suitability for the role (The Rock in GI Joe: Retaliation).
We need to start now. Given the internet-breaking power of the Gosling and Robbie Barbie photos, we should quickly attach the following stars to these as-yet-unmade toy movies in order to get them made even faster.
The Bratz dolls were a tacky range of fashion dolls that Barbie sought to compete with. For a period of time, Barbie lost pace to Bratz dolls.
There was an attempt in 2007 to make a movie about the dolls, but the film failed for all manner of reasons. Old ones include that the stars weren’t (and still aren’t) famous enough and even new ones like multiple drafts, poor character design and poor storytelling.
If Bratz is going to succeed at the box office, it needs leads who – like the dolls themselves – have become careworn.
A perennial favorite, thanks to his gel-filled limbs, Stretch Armstrong has yet to be translated into movies.
God knows that Hollywood has tried, though, variously casting Tim Allen, Taylor Lautner and Danny DeVito in multiple failed adaptations. The issue, you suspect, is that they haven’t found the right Stretch yet.
Stretch Armstrong is blond and rugged, kind but athletic. It takes a very special person to play him well on screen.
People remember Strawberry Shortcake as a wildly popular greeting card mascot who became a toy sensation in the 1980s. Although she still exists as an ongoing IP – most recently in Netflix’s animated movie, Strawberry Shortcake: Berry in the Big City – she has yet to receive the full Barbie treatment.
This would be best achieved by putting Emma Stone in a big hat and letting her do whatever she wants.
Those who have read a certain age will remember a British rival of Barbie called Sindy. She was less famous, but had more of a personality than her American counterpart.
However, she pissed off the creators of Barbie Mattel when they tried to sue her for copyright infringement. In return it seems fair that there should be a movie about Sindy starring Rob.
There is a Masters of the Universe film being made and it is expected to begin shooting next year.
The lead has already been cast, and He-Man will be played by Kyle Allen from West Side Story. But this feels like a mistake. Judging by all the photos of Allen online, he looks too young and meek to play the defender of Eternia. Instead, we need someone a little older, with bleach-blond hair and rippling muscles.